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I strongly believe that before I start looking for "the one", I need to figure out what I want in a man. I want a guy that finds it sexy when I spit out random sports facts. A guy that thinks of me more that just one of the guys. Someone who will take care of me and will be my rock. A guy who is strong and only shows his emotions when necessary. He must be tall and won't mind that my hands sweat when I am nervous. A guy that will spend all day outside with our children, even when he is tried from a long day at work. Someone who thinks I am perfect just the way I am now. A man who can laugh with me when I am in a giggly mood & can sympathize with me when I am down. A man who will love me unconditionally, no matter what.

Hopefully you are out there somewhere. I will wait as long as it takes....

Well if you read my post a while back you would have saw that I was super excited about getting my laptop. Well sadly, after I got home from going out to dinner I noticed my laptop was gone. I mean, for a second I thought, holly crap, someone took it but then I thought, no, maybe my sister borrowed it or something. She didn't. Someone took it and I feel like sick, like my stomach hurts and stuff from thinking about it too much I guess. I mean, I don't have much...I really don't. And this was like something that I decided hey, why not go for it. And yeah, that went bad. I just hope that whoever took it gets theirs. I really do.....c'mon Karma, do your thing....

Umm...I can't get over my ex. It has been almost a year. wow. That's so odd to say. Just a few more months and im right back to the day when I found his journal from SA. I'm still so broken up over him...and I miss him so much. But I don't want to be with him. Not yet. One day, though. Because I do love the boy...despite his shortcomings. I hate feeling this way...and I was doing so well!!!

This weekend I had my friend over and thinking that I wouldn't feel like shit and still I do. This really sucks and I don't know how to get me out of this mess. My heart breaks more and more. I cut my wriste to help with some of the pain that is my heart because I admitte it I fucked up. Everything is my fault I try being nice and calem and it just back fires in my face. I want Joshua Noel Martinez from Yonkers, New York. I just want him I don't care how I get him. I can change for him anything I have to do.

I will even kill myself if he doesn't come back since I am about 7 months with his kid and he know.

�

bloody shelth

shelth thy bloody blade
one courps lay still warm
humble dager?
may i be your shelth
and thine blood your pollish?
or tis i not worthy of thy yet?
come come take me home to my mother
let the darkness of thine heart cloud all who visit these to warm corpses.
�
�
lonely red wolf on the edge asking for jane to clam her an put aside her fear of life.
�
�
�my sumon
�
come,
stay not long from my side.
steel not your warth back,
share all with me.
your love, pain, joy and hatered.
keep me from alls mothers grasp
by sharing your life with me.
grabbing the hand of angel will keep it
earth bound for ever more.
�
�
lonely red wolf asking for her own wingged being to eather clam her form her pain or have someone to share it with.
�
�toy of not
�
here thy pain
here your love
kisses for death
hugs of life
you toss me back and forth
am i your yo-yo�
your joy
am i nothing more then your toy?
send me home
cast me away
into deaths arms
colder than day
but you never saw me that way
smolder home in your light
while i retreat into the night.
�
�
lonely red wolf asking the master if she turely needs to be.� for she often asks to take home to be with her mother and taken away form her fear of life.

i am sitting here with my BFF!!!! we are having fun watching movies and just plain out talking about nothing.. to fill you all in about the last few weeks of my life or the last forever.. cuz i hasvnt written in a while.. josh and i broke up because of a big misunderstanding... we arre trying to work things out so i guess you could say we are back together.. his birthday was on the 20th and we went out to dinner..it was fun over all, just alot of catching up, considering i never get to see him cuz he is always away at school... well i will write another page of my boring life at a later date.. to those of you who know me and those of you who dont.. i hope i can bring a smile to your face and inspire you to beleive in yourself... just listen to you HEART is all i can say at the moment... well LATA!!:)

Friday night:� WELL, long story short,,, my dad called and asked if "she" could come to the wedding and after a long explaination and some fighting and yelling, I held my ground with NO she should NOT come because it would make too many people feel uncomfortable.� So my dad said he would not come to the wedding.� He then called and left me several messages making excuses for "her" and that she has had a hard life and I don't understand!� Well, what I do understand is, I've had a "hard life" but that doesn't mean I need to "be with" my� brother in law and then expect everyone to be a okay with it all!!�� I tried to explain to him that I know she is a good person but that I am not okay with her doing what she is doing and not okay with her coming to the wedding.